Friday, December 30, 2005

Are we having fun yet?

C and his sister went flying this morning. He took her over the lake and the dam and just tooled around showing her the sights. She enjoyed it and I know he really enjoyed taking one of his family up for a ride.
It was my turn for a ride in the plane. We got up early and headed out to fly to Flagstaff, to wander around the old town and have lunch. It was a beautiful day and we had such a nice time. The kids stayed home with Aunt K and had fun riding bikes and walking to the park and when we came home, A met us at the door and said, "Oh darn!", as she knew that special brand of fun-without-parents was over. I talked to my family on the phone that evening as two of my brothers were home for a late Christmas celebration. Nice to say "Hi", but very unsatisfying in the way of real connection. We were all wiped out, so we popped in the dvd of The Iron Giant and watched that together. Love it!
The girls had their friend M over to play today, while Daddy and Aunt K went downtown to do some touristy stuff. I ended up riding my bike up and down our street so that the kids could ride bikes and scooters in the road, then walking to the park with them. We packed a little picnic and had a nice walk. Then they were crazy playing girls in the house, sliding down the stairs and dropping stuffed dogs over the banisters, being very loud and having a great time, except when someone was bent out of shape about something. I was a so-so mother, hitting two for three on the compassion scale with E, who cried rivers of tears about stuff I could not fix or help her with. She was not accepting reality well, as I like to say.
I am now sitting here writing this while the rest of my family is hiking at Red Rock. They will be gone for a long time, but it will not be long enough for all the stuff I would like to do with no one else in the house and no one needing me to be a mother or a wife or even a hostess. I am worn thin. Raw. And I think I figured out why, to some extent. I set myself up. I had such a nice lead in to Christmas, that I forgot how tiring it is to be a hostess. I failed to prep myself for the task. Not that I am not enjoying the visit, or the visitor, of course. I just set myself to be "off" too soon, and had to scramble to turn back "on" to get through this week. Sigh....

In moments of weakness I fantasize about what it would be like to just stop. To stop "doing" holidays. To keep it so simple it barely interupts the flow of "normal" life. I would probably let down a few people in my house, but, oh, the peace. I know the answer lies in finding balance and I suspect this coming year that finding balance will be a sort of theme for me. Because right now I am not feeling balanced, not at all. Welcome to Miranda's new blog! Brutal honesty mixed with family events. Yea!

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Heh. I just made a little sign that says, "Seek Balance," and put it on my fridge.