Midlife Boot Camp

As anyone with military training will know, first they break you down and then they build you up again. It is like the Zen idea that you cannot fill your cup if it is already full of old tea. For many years, I have been working at tearing down the structures in my life that have felt inauthentic to who I really am. Which, unfortunately, were most of them, as I was raised in this culture where children don't really get to choose much of anything for themselves. After years of asking 'why?' deeper and deeper, I feel like I have hit bottom. Foundation rock bottom. And now I must build new structures for myself that will support and aid me the rest of my life.

I did not really get to this point consciously. I knew I had been ripping up the old playbook, page by page. And I knew that I occasionally felt a bit lost without the old SOPs to guide me. But I forgot, or failed to see, that one day I would be free of it all, and lost without them. I forgot to build new ones into my life along the way, or at least enough to keep me going as I chose new ideas and plans and dreams for myself.

I told C the other day, in a low, blue moment, that I used to seek Truth and find Answers, but now I just find more Questions. Maybe this is the beginning of Wisdom, but right now it feels like chaos! I have always explored both sides of any issue I was interested in, to assure myself I had made the 'right' choice of what to believe. And I always found answers that let me feel at peace with my choice. Now, I find myself seeing both sides of the coin at once, and reluctant to choose a side, for fear of it being 'wrong'. If you know me, you know how I hate to be wrong!

It is like I moved to the other side of the world or something. ;-)

Seriously, I feel upside down. Turned over and shook out. I'm empty and stuck in a vaguely familiar, yet unsettling and foreign, place where I must fill up again. I now need to decide who I am and what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I kinda wish there was a cosmic MTI to help me build back up again. Like Field Training for your Forties.

I have lived so much for what others need that I am not in touch with what I need. As the kids get older and need me in less pressing and immediate ways, I am left to myself more and more. I am so used to responding to them and staying present for them, I have forgotten how to Be for myself.

I have been in a 'what's the point?' kind of place recently. When you have worked to rid yourself of the shoulds, and get yourself used to the idea that there really are no have tos, but forget to cultivate the want tos, you find yourself a bit aimless. It is not a place I am familiar with, or like very much. Uncomfortable for sure. It does not help that our life here is so temporary and that my life back home is so longed for. If I found myself back in Ithaca, I would hit the ground running. Here, I'm spinning my wheels, but keep getting jammed when I try to move forward. Very little I have dabbled in feels worth the effort. There are a few moments of 'happy, happy, joy, joy' and a whole lotta 'blah'. *Sigh*

Ok, enough whining. I'm sure you will hear more from me on this as I work it out. Any thoughts to offer?

W.T.F!?!???

If you were the judge of a painting contest for 9 and 10 year old kids, and these paintings were the entries, how would you rank them?

Well, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't put them in the order above, first place at the top, fourth at the bottom as I placed them here. But that is exactly how the judges at the Alice Show ranked these works of art. WTF? E's is the last one, if you couldn't guess. And I am one indignant mother.

I can see the cat painting getting first, as art is a very subjective thing to judge and it was well executed. But the horse on the green ground getting second? Are you kidding me? The one they put third is a much better piece of art. And E's painting? Am I too close to the artist to be an effective judge? I don't think so, but you tell me. Maybe they thought she did not really do the painting.

When I asked about the judging, you know what they said? They asked me to be the art judge for next year! Ha! They also gave E two free passes to the rides at the show, which were worth much more than the cash prizes for the contest. Not much consolation.

20 Days and 10 Things

1. I'm procrastinating.
2. The girls are at a sleepover and the house is too quiet with all the animals gone to their new homes.
3. My list is long and scary and keeps me up at night, but it will all be over soon. The movers come to pack the house up in one week. In about two weeks we leave NY, and in 20 days we will be on a plane to Oz. Yikes!
4. I am sad to leave, but stuffing it a bit. I am too focused on the tasks for the move, both required and wanted.
5. C will be home to us in 3 days and we will all be together forevermore. Yay!
6. His parents are coming on Monday to help with the move and see us off.
7. There is too much food in my house that cannot be imported to AU and I shouldn't take much time to cook it so we can eat it, what with all the rest I have to do, but I am. I will give away and compost what we can't eat, but I can't give up on it yet.
8. Moving is sooooo wasteful and not green. It kills me.
9. I am feeling sad about leaving my friends and family. My family is having a going away party for us next weekend. Most everyone I invited is going to come and that makes me happy. Some of the relationships I made are really just in the infant stages of friendship and I wish I was not leaving so soon after meeting. Blargh, as A would say. No fair, as E would lament.
10. There is a foot of snow on the ground and I want to get some Spring gardening chores done before we go. I hope it all melts soon!

Good Grief!

As I alluded to in my last post, things are not going smoothly around here. I have been thinking a lot about why that is and have come up with some ideas.

Life is extremely stressful right now. That is a no brainer contributor to the problem. What makes it worse is the fact that there is little to nothing that can be done about it. We have a set date to move, that is already as far out as it can possibly be. We are short on time but can't do anything about it. The girls and I really should plan to travel down with C, and to change that plan would only add more stress with the added complexity. Our mantra has been simplify, simplify, simplify.

We have let go of a lot. A LOT. And that hurts. That is the crux of the matter. I am in mourning. No matter how much the plan to move to the other side of the world makes sense on all levels, it still means I have to give up what I presently have. No matter how great it would be to be with my husband every day, there are aspects to living here in NY that I cannot have if I move. No matter how much I love my husband, I love other things, too, and to lose them hurts. It's a cumlative thing. The loss column is far longer than the gain column. The magnitude of the pain of each individual loss pales in comparison to the joy of the gains, but when you add them up, the scales tip.

So, in order to cope, I have to detangle my attachment to the stuff that matters to me. I have to say, ok this thing I am losing is very important to me and wouldn't be a part of my life if I did not think I needed it, but now I have to let it go and now I have to find a way to be ok without that which I knew I needed before, and this aspect of the move might just be able to make up for the lose of that, but I am not sure, so I have to just let go and trust that it will be ok. Whew! That takes a lot of energy. This also takes time and needs to be done in a loving, supportive, accepting environment. I have to decide that I can be ok with this change and that change. And I have to decide that this thing will be better by going and that thing will make our lives good. This is not an easy and simple process and I can't do it with anyone breathing down my neck, adding to the stress.

I can't compartmentalize the grief. It hurts and it demands to be felt and dealt with, not stuffed and "busied away". It is possible to work on tasks at hand while being upset about stuff. I have to let myself mourn. I need to be comforted in my pain, so that I can continue to do what needs to be done.

It is very hard to be sad and have those you look to for support fail to support you. Sometimes you just need a hug. Sometimes you have to cry about what you have to cry about in order to be able to move forward. Sometimes the kid gloves are needed even if you think the boxing gloves would be best. Denial of feelings is very dangerous in situations like we are in right now. The feelings are the explosive, the schedule is the bottle, and the lack of support the fuse. One look or comment could be the spark and BAM!

Whiplash

My neck hurts. The changes around here are causing a bit of whiplash. First, we were going to drive down to VA to have Thanksgiving with C, since he had to work too much to drive home to us. My dad and brothers were not even going to be here, so I had no meal to go enjoy anyway. Sure, we would have to skip the whole traditional meal in VA since I was not up to hauling it all down there and cooking it in an unfamiliar kitchen. We made our peace with that and planned to visit with old friends while there and hit a Smithsonian or two as well. Then, C calls late last night to tell me he now has to work on Thanksgiving and has more days off afterward, so do I want him to just come home? And he tells us we have to go down to VA in a couple weeks for appointments for the move. I tell him I will talk with the kids and call him back. Now, E has been complaining about going down there since the moment the plan formed. I thought for sure she would jump at the chance to stay home. A is so easy going, I knew she would be ok either way. I was wrong. E starts crying immediately, telling me she really wanted to go. A is sad, but accomodating. *sigh* We work it out and plan to stay home. I am now planning to cook up a small turkey, if I can find one today, but we will do it Friday with C. Please, universe, no more changes, ok? I can't handle it.

The Money Scam

I have know this stuff for a while now and was once passionate about passing it on. Lately I have been slacking off on that. But this video explains it all so well, I had to jump back up on my soapbox and share it with you. Please, watch this and if you learn something new, or feel as angry as I do about it, spread this information far and wide.
Oh, if you doubt the veracity of the information contained in the video, you can go right to the source to verify it all : the Federal Reserve.

Day Nine

I'm waning here. The stress of getting ready for a big party and cleaning up after four kids who seem to have no concept of the work involved and how they are only adding to my workload is getting to me. We had park day today and it has worn me out even though we did not stay long. I took some pictures of the girls in the lake swimming, but I am too tired to post them. I am going to do the dishes and go to bed.

Best Speech Eva!

I realize I am a little late in sharing this, as I hear it is all over facebook and such already, but some friends here had not heard about it, so here ya go!

http://americaviaerica.blogspot.com/2010/07/coxsackie-athens-valedictorian-speech.html

Here is a taste :

I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told
to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great
artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While
others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading
about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were
creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I
never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position? Sure, I earned
it, but what will come of it? When I leave educational institutionalism, will I
be successful or forever lost? I have no clue about what I want to do with my
life; I have no interests because I saw every subject of study as work, and I
excelled at every subject just for the purpose of excelling, not learning.

And, quoting John Taylor Gatto, she wrote:

H. L. Mencken wrote in The American Mercury for April 1924 that the aim of
public education is not "to fill the young of the species with knowledge and
awaken their intelligence. ... Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim
... is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level,
to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and
originality. That is its aim in the United States."

I have just finished reading John Talyor Gatto's newest book, Weapons of Mass Instruction, and have all things school-y on my mind. My question to those whose kids go to school is do you even know what you are doing? There is probably nothing I have spent as much time researching and thinking about as how to educate my kids. I knew nothing of what was in this book when I decided to keep them out of school. Now that I do know, all I can say is thank heavens I did! Anything to save them from the type of experience that young woman spoke of in her speech. At least she woke up and now knows what happened to her.

Oh, and if you think college is any better, check this out:

http://www.academicevolution.com/2009/01/dear-students.html

Oh, oh, and here is a blog post by an unschooling mom who had a chance to have a conversation with Erica. She links to the audio on the blog:

http://kelly.halldorson.com/blog/?p=1454

So cool!

Sad Day

This morning, two dogs came into my yard and killed one of my chickens. Actually, I had to kill her after she was maimed so badly, there was no hope.

I heard dogs barking and ran outside to see what was going on. Normally, you don't hear dogs barking as my house is too far from neighbors. The dogs were barking at the baby chickens in the tractor and ran off when I yelled at them. One disappeared and the other came back all submissive, like she knew she was a bad, bad dog. She had a harness on her, so I know she was a pet. I kept yelling at the dog and frantically looking around for the big chickens. I had seen one of them down by the firepit when I came out, but did not see any then. That is when I saw the reddish brown lump across the yard. Running over to it, my heart and stomach sank when I saw the bloody feathery mess. Then I saw her breathing, but that made it worse, not better, as there was no saving this chicky. She had her eyes closed and was totally unresponsive. I knew I was going to have to put her out of her misery. Let's just say my ax was sharp enough and chickens really do flop around after you chop their heads off.

The girls came out and we looked for the other chickens. One was found easily, but the other took us a while to find. She was hiding down in the tall grass by the swampy pond. She stayed hunkered down right up until I was a foot away from her, then she got up and followed me up to the yard. I guess she was still pretty freaked out. They are both doing ok after their scary morning.

Henrietta was placed in the compost, to nourish us through future plants in the garden. I guess us humans are just not scavengers, as I cannot stomach eating an animal I did not kill. Ok, I eat animals other humans kill, just not ones that other animals kill. (Update to address Sandra's comment: I did choose the moment of death for the chicken, but I did not choose that her death should occur that day. The dogs made sure of that. I think the distinction is key.)

Tending livestock is a risky venture, I am discovering, and incidents like today's are so frustrating. It is one thing to lose a crop of tomatoes to late blight, as we did last summer, and a whole 'nother to lose an animal you raised from infancy. So sad.

In more positive news, I got a majority of the framing on the run for the coop done today. Not too much longer and the chickens will have a nice tight safe place to spend times that we cannot watch them closely. Too late for Henrietta, but such is life.

Rest in peace, sweet girl.

The Truth Hurts

Got the below here.
Myth
Truth
1. This is a universal health care bill.
The bill is neither universal health care nor universal health insurance.
Per the CBO:
Total uninsured in 2019 with no bill: 54 million
Total uninsured in 2019 with Senate bill: 24 million (44%)
2. Insurance companies hate this bill
This bill is almost identical to the plan written by AHIP, the insurance company trade association, in 2009.
The original Senate Finance Committee bill was authored by a former Wellpoint VP. Since Congress released the first of its health care bills on October 30, 2009, health care stocks have risen 28.35%.
3. The bill will significantly bring down insurance premiums for most Americans.
The bill will not bring down premiums significantly, and certainly not the $2,500/year that the President promised.
Annual premiums in 2016, status quo / with bill:
Small group market, single: $7,800 / $7,800
Small group market, family: $19,300 / $19,200
Large Group market, single: $7,400 / $7,300
Large group market, family: $21,100 / $21,300
Individual market, single: $5,500 / $5,800*
Individual market, family: $13,100 / $15,200*
4. The bill will make health care affordable for middle class Americans.
The bill will impose a financial hardship on middle class Americans who will be forced to buy a product that they can’t afford to use.
A family of four making $66,370 will be forced to pay $5,243 per year for insurance. After basic necessities, this leaves them with $8,307 in discretionary income — out of which they would have to cover clothing, credit card and other debt, child care and education costs, in addition to $5,882 in annual out-of-pocket medical expenses for which families will be responsible.
5. This plan is similar to the Massachusetts plan, which makes health care affordable.
Many Massachusetts residents forgo health care because they can’t afford it.
A 2009 study by the state of Massachusetts found that:
21% of residents forgo medical treatment because they can’t afford it, including 12% of children
18% have health insurance but can’t afford to use it
6. This bill provide health care to 31 million people who are currently uninsured.
This bill will mandate that millions of people who are currently uninsured must purchase insurance from private companies, or the IRS will collect up to 2% of their annual income in penalties. Some will be assisted with government subsidies.
7. You can keep the insurance you have if you like it.
The excise tax will result in employers switching to plans with higher co-pays and fewer covered services.
Older, less healthy employees with employer-based health care will be forced to pay much more in out-of-pocket expenses than they do now.
8. The “excise tax” will encourage employers to reduce the scope of health care benefits, and they will pass the savings on to employees in the form of higher wages.
There is insufficient evidence that employers pass savings from reduced benefits on to employees.
9. This bill employs nearly every cost control idea available to bring down costs.
This bill does not bring down costs and leaves out nearly every key cost control measure, including:
Public Option ($25-$110 billion)
Medicare buy-in
Drug reimportation ($19 billion)
Medicare drug price negotiation ($300 billion)
Shorter pathway to generic biologics ($71 billion)
10. The bill will require big companies like WalMart to provide insurance for their employees
The bill was written so that most WalMart employees will qualify for subsidies, and taxpayers will pick up a large portion of the cost of their coverage.
11. The bill “bends the cost curve” on health care.
The bill ignored proven ways to cut health care costs and still leaves 24 million people uninsured, all while slightly raising total annual costs by $234 million in 2019.
“Bends the cost curve” is a misleading and trivial claim, as the US would still spend far more for care than other advanced countries.
In 2009, health care costs were 17.3% of GDP.
Annual cost of health care in 2019, status quo: $4,670.6 billion (20.8% of GDP)
Annual cost of health care in 2019, Senate bill: $4,693.5 billion (20.9% of GDP)
12. The bill will provide immediate access to insurance for Americans who are uninsured because of a pre-existing condition.
Access to the “high risk pool” is limited and the pool is underfunded. It will cover few people, and will run out of money in 2011 or 2012
Only those who have been uninsured for more than six months will qualify for the high risk pool. Only 0.7% of those without insurance now will get coverage, and the CMS report estimates it will run out of funding by 2011 or 2012.
13. The bill prohibits dropping people in individual plans from coverage when they get sick.
The bill does not empower a regulatory body to keep people from being dropped when they’re sick.
There are already many states that have laws on the books prohibiting people from being dropped when they’re sick, but without an enforcement mechanism, there is little to hold the insurance companies in check.
14. The bill ensures consumers have access to an effective internal and external appeals process to challenge new insurance plan decisions.
The “internal appeals process” is in the hands of the insurance companies themselves, and the “external” one is up to each state.Ensuring that consumers have access to “internal appeals” simply means the insurance companies have to review their own decisions. And it is the responsibility of each state to provide an “external appeals process,” as there is neither funding nor a regulatory mechanism for enforcement at the federal level.
15. This bill will stop insurance companies from hiking rates 30%-40% per year.
This bill does not limit insurance company rate hikes. Private insurers continue to be exempt from anti-trust laws, and are free to raise rates without fear of competition in many areas of the country.
16. When the bill passes, people will begin receiving benefits under this bill immediately
Most provisions in this bill, such as an end to the ban on pre-existing conditions for adults, do not take effect until 2014.
Six months from the date of passage, children could not be excluded from coverage due to pre-existing conditions, though insurance companies could charge more to cover them. Children would also be allowed to stay on their parents’ plans until age 26. There will be an elimination of lifetime coverage limits, a high risk pool for those who have been uninsured for more than 6 months, and community health centers will start receiving money.
17. The bill creates a pathway for single payer.
Bernie Sanders’ provision in the Senate bill does not start until 2017, and does not cover the Department of Labor, so no, it doesn’t create a pathway for single payer.
Obama told Dennis Kucinich that the Ohio Representative’s amendment is similar to Bernie Sanders’ provision in the Senate bill, and creates a pathway to single payer. Since the waiver does not start until 2017, and does not cover the Department of Labor, it is nearly impossible to see how it gets around the ERISA laws that stand in the way of any practical state single payer system.
18 The bill will end medical bankruptcy and provide all Americans with peace of mind.
Most people with medical bankruptcies already have insurance, and out-of-pocket expenses will continue to be a burden on the middle class.
In 2009, 1.5 million Americans declared bankruptcy
Of those, 62% were medically related
Three-quarters of those had health insurance
The Obama bill leaves 24 million without insurance
The maximum yearly out-of-pocket limit for a family will be $11,900 (PDF) on top of premiums
A family with serious medical problems that last for a few years could easily be financially crushed by medical costs

Oh joy, sounds like you should call your representative and beg him or her to vote for this lovely pile of...nevermind.

It's a Small Small World

Let me first apologize up front if my post title has you singing that song for the rest of the day! I wanted to get back to the idea of a shrinking world and how to reconcile that with unschooling. Oh, wait, I don't know how to do that! OK, so I will tell you my thoughts and maybe we can sort this out together. Most of my thoughts come in the form of questions, by the way.

How many of you who are aware of the big issues facing us, and unschoolers to boot, ask yourself daily how playing video games now will help your child navigate a world where most of us won't be able to afford electricity to power the Wii? How will a life of leisure and freedom prepare them for a world of considerably more toil and far limited options? Will giving them a childhood full of play and fun set them up to fail in "the real world"? I'm not talking about the "real world" as it exists in the minds of people today. I'm talking about the possible future "real world" where life really is much harder and you really do have less choices. A life where survival really is the focus most of the time. I'm not saying we need to break our kids arms to prepare them for a future possibility of a bone fracture. I really don't think the answer lies with anything that drastic. But what level of guiding them to learn what I fear they will need to know is too much and a hindrance to the relationship I prize above all else?

How much should I support maintaining friendships with kids across the country, rather than getting out there and meeting and strengthening friendships here, when they might never see these far flung kids again? A certain level of maintaining contact is right and good, but not at the expense of developing local relationships that have a greater chance of serving them in the future.

If there really is going to be a drastic reduction in the ease of travel, wouldn't my efforts be better spent helping my children explore their local environment, deepening their sense of place, here, rather than filling their heads with thoughts of world travel and seeing the world outside of National Geographic magazine?

I go back and forth between thinking that I should show them as much of the world as I can, while I still can, and feeling like I should block out the majority of what they will lose, so they don't have to lose it, after all. You can't miss what you never had. Will they treasure the single taste of the tropical fruit flown in from across the globe, for example, or will they pine for it once it is no longer available? One of a mother's jobs is to protect her children. But another of my jobs is to show them the world. How big a world do they really need to know? How much protection is too much? Especially since I don't know how things will play out, don't know the timeline.

The worst of what I fear might not even come to pass in my lifetime. It might be something only my grandchildren will really have to deal with. But shouldn't I help my children learn what their children will need to know? Wouldn't that give them the advantage and make life easier for my grandchildren? I know reinventing the wheel is not much fun for me, so if my grandchildren are brought up living a low energy lifestyle, it will be second nature for them. My girls are not going to get that, since half of their childhood has been lived a high energy lifestyle, and my efforts to power down are going very slowly. They might be out of the house before I finally get us to the level I am sure my grandkids will need to be.

One thing I am certain of is that the school system as it exists now is so far from being able to prepare the children of today for the potential future, it is laughable. If it wasn't so scary. I mean, I have nieces and nephews and cousins and friends in that system and I worry about them. They are all still young and, so far so good, but I can't even imagine what a full 13 years of government run education will do to their chances of learning what they will really need to know. Bottom line, what they will need takes time to learn, and school sucks up all that time, trying to teach them things that they will have no need of in the future.

But, back to unschooling, it is not like I am sitting my kids down everyday and going through Pioneer Living 101 with them. I am not actively teaching them what I think they need to know, either. I am trying to learn it myself, and model it to them, and make it look fun and fulfilling (and it is!) so that they want to learn it. And they are learning. It is just that when the sand in the hourglass seems to run faster and faster, and I fear they are not ready yet-hell, I am not ready yet-that is when I worry. Will unschooling give us enough time?

But then I ask myself, time for what? Time to be ready to live life? Ultimately, how can any of us know that we are prepared for life? Just when you think you are all set, life usually throws you a curve ball and asks you to stretch and learn something new. And that is good and the way it should be. So, maybe I don't need to worry about it. Maybe they really will learn all they need to live, as they need it.

No doubt about it, the world will shrink for our children and grandchildren. I don't even think that is a bad thing, not really. Simpler is good. It is the transition that could be tricky, will be tricky. I just hope and pray that unschooling gives us the flexibility and time and worldview to make the transition as smooth as possible. And I have to believe that the memories of a larger more complex world will be remembered fondly by my girls, and that those memories will be told to rapt grandchildren, who will wonder at the thought of flying from one side of the country to the other in a few hours!

So, what do you all think about this stuff?

Truth, Whine and Cheese

Sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who does not think too much about anything, does not know much of anything, and just does what she is told to do. A sheeple, as they say. Sometimes it is hard being different. It would be so nice to just look to the TV, the mainstream culture, "everyone else" and just follow along. There would be no uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty, no worries about whether I am doing the best thing, and lots of other people to blame if things do not go well. I wish I could send my kids to school and feel pride in the test scores or commiserate with the other parents about our kids failures or how the school is failing them. I wish I could go back to being blind to the big picture issues and be clueless to our coming crises. I wish I could turn up the heat, turn on the all the lights, use my dryer all year long, buy a plasma TV and watch it all the time, eat food from across the globe and out of season, and toss cardboard in the trash, all without guilt. I wish I didn't know better, so I didn't have to do better. It would be so much easier, right?

Nevermind me, I just needed to whine. Can I have a nice Brie with that?

Happy New Year

I'm baaaack! Did ya miss me?

Hey, am I the only one in the world who knows that 2010 is not the start of a new decade but the last year of the old one? I'm tired of hearing that we are entering a new decade. No, no... no. We will be finishing a decade at the end of 2010. Think I am wrong? Try this: the world begins, that first year is called year one. Year two, year three......year eight, year nine go by and how many years have past? Nine years. How many years in a decade? Ten. We do not end this current decade until December 31st, 2010.

Am I really the only one who cares about such technicalities? *Sigh* No one cared when I complained that 2000 was not the beginning of a new millennium, either. It's hard being a Virgo sometimes....

So, if this is the END of a decade, you still have a whole year left to finish whatever lofty goals you laid out for yourself for this decade. Bonus! Me? I don't do resolutions, never mind ten year plans. Life is too short, my friends. Living in the moment around here, thank you very much. Forget that end of a year, or decade or millennium, start of a new one stuff. Celebrating the Now is much more fun!

Sick. As. A. Dog

That's me! Now, I don't have major snottiness or coughing and my really sore throat went away this morning, after being horrible last night, but I feel so weak and wiped out. I had planned to cook and bake and candy make today, and instead I have been holed up in bed. At least I got the last of the shopping done for the girls yesterday, so no matter how I feel tomorrow, they will have Christmas. My extended family is another story. I have no idea if I will be able to make the chocolate and caramel covered pretzels this year for everyone. Probably not. And I think a big turkey dinner tomorrow night is out. Maybe, I can whip up some cinnamon buns for Christmas morning, since the dough is already made and in the freezer. At least, as long as I feel better, dinner on Christmas is covered by my dad.

Oh, this sucks so bad. I hate being out for the count. It makes me feel like such a failure.

Seeds of Change?

I'm getting geared up to start planning my garden for next year and the issue of what seeds to buy keeps coming up. I'm hearing a lot about big Agribusiness and GMOs and global takeover of the seed supply. It is very scary stuff. Anyway, for anyone who eats, here are some articles you should read about this:

http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2009/12/evillest_corporation_ever_give.php

http://www.i-sis.org.uk/MonsantovsFarmers.php

And don't hold out for help from the government on this one:

http://civileats.com/2009/12/08/obamas-broken-promises-disappointing-and-dangerous-for-farmers-and-eaters/

I think I will only be ordering non GMO seeds for my garden. Can't handle the thought that I would be contributing to the destruction of the stability of our food supply otherwise.

Say Wha'?

The man who snubs the Dalai Lama receives the Nobel prize for Peace?
Huh. Up IS down!
I guess keeping the Chinese happy is a form of keeping the peace. Couldn't have anything to do with that 1 trillion dollars (plus interest) we owe them, could it? Hmmmm..... After all, we gotta be sure they keep buying our toxic bonds. Oops, I meant Treasury bonds.

Isn't It Ironic?

Lucky you. Now that I have found the guts to post my thoughts in the form of my speech, I am freed from the burning desire to talk about all that heavy stuff. There, you heard it from me, now it is up to you to save yourself. Whew! Let's get back to love and life and unschooling and chronicling my amazing kids adventures and our wonderful life, shall we?

But first, a small rant. So, the other day, the girls had their first ballet class. It went well for them. I, however, was subjected to listening to a mom talk to her friend in the waiting area. She told about how her little girl tells her she wants a new mother. And how when the girl told her she wanted to live with her when she grows up and has lots of kids of her own, she laughed at her and told her she is out when she is 18. I was facing away from the mom, watching my girls dance in the class through the window. Good thing, too, because I wanted to cry for that little girl. This same girl was brought out early to her mother when she lost interest in the preschool dance class and was missing her mother. She had been crying and the mother told her in a sing song voice to dry her tears. No empathy. No understanding. Just the message to stuff it. Lovely.

Contrast this with my kids who tell me I am the best mother they could ever have. This got me thinking about why they would say that and what other people outside our relationship might think is the reason they think that. I can see someone saying my kids think I am the best because I give them whatever they want. Yes and no. Yes, I don't thwart my children's wishes, and actively help them to achieve them. But I am constantly monitoring the big picture and making suggestions for balance, helping them make decisions for themselves, talking about my choices. I do tell my children no. Sometimes it is a knee jerk reaction and I take it back if they push. Other times I have a really good reason ,and then they usually listen and comply. If they don't, I humbly allow for the possibility that I don't know what is best for my children, only they do. I prepare to help them deal with natural consequences, should I be right after all.

Sometimes I put my foot down, and piss them off. I'm not perfect. I think the trick is to build trust so that they will see my thoughts and wishes for them as valuable, rather than be a nag and cause them to shut me out. I don't like to be wrong. If I am not 100% sure of myself about something, I will not force my will on anyone, my kids included. If I only ever push them when I am 100% certain that my way is the best, they will come to see that my advice is sound and will come to me for help. If I only make a bunch of rules and enforce them strictly in the interest of making my life simple (whatever!), they will come to see my advice as arbitrary and often out of step with their reality. I want to partner with my children in life, not be a dictator.

And if they grow up and have a bunch of kids and want to live with me, all the better! I'll be one happy grandma! And I will have help around the farm. ;-) Sounds like a win-win to me. We would be a role model family for the re-strengthening of family and community so desperately needed in the world today. Really, we are going to need to expand our idea of family if we are to have good lives in a lower energy world. You can't do it alone, when you don't have that army of oil slaves at your side. The more families live and work together, the easier, and fuller, life will be.

I will consider myself a very good mother, if my children not only want to live with me, but fully choose the life they were raised living. This isn't about me being selfish and wanting to have my kids never leave me. It is about living in partnership with your kids so that they will consider taking up the family business as a valid option for their adult lives. So that they will want to raise their kids as you raised them, not because they don't know what else to do, but because they choose it fully. So that they are spared the need to rebel against everything you stand for, just because. I'm fully prepared for them to choose differently for their lives than I did for mine. They are not me. But, if they choose to do what I do, I will know I did not push them away, at the very least. I will consider myself blessed.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

That is the sound I make this morning as I look out the kitchen door towards the garden and the chicken tractor as I do each morning to count chicken heads but today I see no chickens out and the door bent inward just enough to allow some beasty to get in to my babies so I rush out to them and find four still there all clucking to me as if they had quite a tale to tell of the night and the taking away of one of their sisters. This is the second one to be stolen from me by what I suspect was a raccoon based on the numerous footprints on the roof and all over the door that I find each morning but the first was taken through an opening in the roost for ventilation that I failed to secure to prevent just such an event as occurred. Imagine sleeping peacefully on your roost and all of a sudden a nasty little hand reaches in to your safe or so you thought little home and snatches you away to become dinner, I don't want to think about it and besides I am mad as all get out about some raccoon eating MY egg making babies and that raccoon getting the meat I was going to serve my family some day in a few years as a nice pot of chicken noodle soup so he did not just take one, now two, chickens from me he took oodles of yummy eggs and at least two lovely dinners some cold winter nights with my family and yes I see the irony as eventually I would be snatching that same chicken off her roost and slitting her throat but at least she would go fast and I would be gentle and it is just not fair.

Ok, I feel better now. Farming sucks sometimes.

I Want It All

And NOW. I am so impatient. Why does it take so long for trees to grow up? Can't vegetable gardens just spring up in a few weeks and feed you? Do I reeeeeallly have to wait 20 weeks to get an egg out of these chickens? I mean, really? Where is the magic wand that will decide for me the best heating system to put in and then make it happen, *poof*? Point me to the group of great local friends the girls and I can rely on! I'm waiting....

When we started moving in to the house, my mantra was, "we have all the time in the world, take your time". And it is true. I can take my time building up the life that I create in my mind. There is no major driving force that is making me get anything done at any particular time. The problem is I can't be patient about it. I want it now.

Well, the good thing about all this, is that I live in a place where I don't have the urgency I felt in VA and NV to live more sustainably. I am living in a community where I have access to local sustainably grown food, and the people here are already thinking about all the issues that concern me. I mean, I can take my time with getting the garden set up because I joined a great CSA for this summer. The pressure is off to feed us from our own land, this year anyway. Hey, maybe that is the problem! Maybe I need the pressure to get me going. Oh well, not such a terrible problem to have, huh?

Off to the farmers market....

Common Sense

If you watch the above video, besides seeing why I love Dr Paul so much, please, please, tell me what does not make sense to you, if anything. I need to understand the thinking of the average person on these matters, so that I can understand how we got here. Did he say anything that makes you say, "No, you have it wrong, Ron"? And what can you tell me that will help me understand your point of view? Or did he mention things that you have an incomplete understanding of and therefore you cannot make a judgement call about the validity of his statements? Or did you understand it all and simply disagree with his conclusions?

I, personally, agree that our problems today in the area of the economy are due to a systemic breakdown that could be predicted, and was, long ago. It is the simple culmination of living beyond our means for far too long. The bills have come due and we have no money in the bank, or even under the mattress, to pay said bills. I mean, if our standard business practice is to borrow money to pay for the latest round of production, and to continually grow, how could no one see that it would all come crashing down one day? Whatever happened to saving the fruits of your labor, to protect against stormy days? How did we ever get to a place where we always buy today and pay tomorrow, and not see anything risky with that?

It is time to grow up! Don't spend what you don't have, period. I'm talking to you, America, and not just the people. The government has spent waaaaaaay beyond it's means for far too long and it has to stop. Yes, the system (fractional reserve banking) will crash if we do that. Yes, it will be ugly. But at the end of it all, we will be a saner, more sustainable world, where no one lives upon the back of another. Hard work is what brings you prosperity. You want more? Work more and harder. Isn't that the American Dream? If you work hard enough, you will be successful?