Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Good Grief!

As I alluded to in my last post, things are not going smoothly around here. I have been thinking a lot about why that is and have come up with some ideas.

Life is extremely stressful right now. That is a no brainer contributor to the problem. What makes it worse is the fact that there is little to nothing that can be done about it. We have a set date to move, that is already as far out as it can possibly be. We are short on time but can't do anything about it. The girls and I really should plan to travel down with C, and to change that plan would only add more stress with the added complexity. Our mantra has been simplify, simplify, simplify.

We have let go of a lot. A LOT. And that hurts. That is the crux of the matter. I am in mourning. No matter how much the plan to move to the other side of the world makes sense on all levels, it still means I have to give up what I presently have. No matter how great it would be to be with my husband every day, there are aspects to living here in NY that I cannot have if I move. No matter how much I love my husband, I love other things, too, and to lose them hurts. It's a cumlative thing. The loss column is far longer than the gain column. The magnitude of the pain of each individual loss pales in comparison to the joy of the gains, but when you add them up, the scales tip.

So, in order to cope, I have to detangle my attachment to the stuff that matters to me. I have to say, ok this thing I am losing is very important to me and wouldn't be a part of my life if I did not think I needed it, but now I have to let it go and now I have to find a way to be ok without that which I knew I needed before, and this aspect of the move might just be able to make up for the lose of that, but I am not sure, so I have to just let go and trust that it will be ok. Whew! That takes a lot of energy. This also takes time and needs to be done in a loving, supportive, accepting environment. I have to decide that I can be ok with this change and that change. And I have to decide that this thing will be better by going and that thing will make our lives good. This is not an easy and simple process and I can't do it with anyone breathing down my neck, adding to the stress.

I can't compartmentalize the grief. It hurts and it demands to be felt and dealt with, not stuffed and "busied away". It is possible to work on tasks at hand while being upset about stuff. I have to let myself mourn. I need to be comforted in my pain, so that I can continue to do what needs to be done.

It is very hard to be sad and have those you look to for support fail to support you. Sometimes you just need a hug. Sometimes you have to cry about what you have to cry about in order to be able to move forward. Sometimes the kid gloves are needed even if you think the boxing gloves would be best. Denial of feelings is very dangerous in situations like we are in right now. The feelings are the explosive, the schedule is the bottle, and the lack of support the fuse. One look or comment could be the spark and BAM!

5 comments:

~Tara said...

(((hugs)))

heymom said...

I understand your hurt. I couldn't begin to tell you how much I cried during the last 3 years over losses and changes. I got frustrated and felt so out of control of my own life so many times. And, let's face it, I like to call the shots in my own life and I didn't feel like I was doing much of that at all. I probably could/should have turned it all positive and said, "I choose to go along with this for the 'common good'", but I think I never really got there. The farthest I ever got was just, "I will go along with this....because I guess I have to!:-) And, to top it off, I felt guilty because I just didn't like having to move. Honestly, I still don't like that I had to move and I'm about as moved as moved could be!!!!
Miranda, I'm confident you will do much better than me at finding peace with all that is going on in your life. You're better at seeing the positive in things than I am. But if you don't, or if you just have a moment of frustration, I guess I wanted to let you know that you wouldn't be the first person who felt the way you do!

Stephanie said...

ditto (((hugs)))

Annette said...

I understand the need to grieve. What are the things that are most upsetting you? Physical 'things'? Friends? The attachment to your home and the plans you have for it? - you will be going back there right? Is it two years you'll be away? What if a massive storm or fire destroyed your place...what would you miss the most...and what would you be most grateful for as long as you were all alive and together? Are you storing a lot of things there and just bringing with you your absolute favourites? Do you have to get rid of so much stuff?

Did you see the recent Oprah special on Australia? If so, did it make you a little bit excited of the adventure awaiting? Have you thought about going to the unschooling conference in the Whitsundays later this year..great time to visit the Great Barrier Reef and connect with other like-minded families! I'm sure a lot of people are at least a little envious of you for this opportunity. The Alice has a unique beauty and the airlines often have cheap flights to the other major cities. Yes, it's very different here in some ways. My C would love to stay, if he could do the same kind of work he can in the US, here. It's beautiful! Most of the people work to live instead of the opposite. It's not perfect, but it is an adventure! Can you think of it like an extended vacation, knowing that you'll be going to your home in the US at the end of it all?
I'm not trying to discount the process you are going through. Maybe some of the details have changed and you'll be away longer, I don't know.

When I was adjusting to life on the road, I had to work through some conditionings I had about how I thought my life was going to be and how it had turned out. It was tough! But then I had a series of breakthroughs regarding Trust and Acceptance and Gratitude and Joy! I feel like that was my time to "Fall Down to Fly"!
I know you'll work through this...kicking and screaming and crying and whatever you need to do. Feel it. Honor the grief. Thank the things you are letting go for the time you have had together. Know that they may come back into your life if they are meant to. Be gentle with yourself. Trust your inner guidance. ((hugs))

Eli said...

"If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return."
"Even when you think you have your life all mapped out, things happen that shape your destiny in ways you might never have imagined. "
"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."
This last quote has been my mantra ever since a fire cleaned me out of everything I held precious until that moment. In that momeent afterwards I realized I had everything I needed.
I cannot relate to you, therefore I can only send you the quotes of realization that have helped me in times of sorrow. I hope they help you.