Saturday, February 12, 2011

All Better Now

First of all a great big thanks to all my friends who commented and called and reached out after my last post. You rock! I realize I have left you all hanging as to the state of my sanity. My brother asked me last week if I had come to terms with this move and I asked him what he knew about it, thinking he had talked to my Dad, who witnessed me fall apart the week before. He said, "Just what you have told all of cyberspace!"

Oops. Guess I should tell the interwebs that all is going much, much, much better now. I have dealt with the grief and am now sliding past acceptance into excitement. I am getting a lot of sorting of our stuff done and it is feeling really good to let go of lots of things that we really are not going to need when we get back here after our world travels. Not only that, but this whole process is offering me a chance to really organize what we are keeping and get my house in order. The art studio alone has me giddy! My kitchen is in the wings and I know it will be great to go through all of that as well.

C and I are in a much better place as far as our relationship goes. The stress of the move has either worn off or we have gotten used to it, so that it is not impacting our interactions negatively. He is in between jobs right now, working full time on the move and training for the new job in AU, so work life for him is waaaaaaaaay less stressful. They won't even let him work more than 8 hours a day! He does not know what to do with the extra time, except miss me and the girls. We are counting down the days until we can be together full time again!

I found an old notebook when I was sorting the office that had some of my morning pages in it. You are not really supposed to read them again after you write them, but I cheated. The one I read was from right before the move up here to NY. In it I wrote about how I really did not think it would take C long to transition up here, but that I would leave him alone to make the change and not pressure him. Well, things did not quite go my way... He did not quit his job and find a new one up here. I truely did not plan to live this split life for as long as we have. We both have come to the conclusion that we can't live without each other. And that staying with his current career makes the most sense, both for the economics of it all and for the opportunities it offers. We are going to milk it for what it is worth and, when the time is right, come back here to the farm and live off the land together. There are no regrets about buying this house and getting to live here for the past two years. We just goofed the timing a bit.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that this plan of ours puts my preparations for our uncertain future on hold for a lot longer than I really feel comfortable about. When I wrote about having to let go of stuff in my last post, I was not talking about tangible things. I was talking about the plans for the prep stuff, like planting fruit trees and developing the gardens and getting a milk cow. I have pretty much had to decide that I would rather starve with my husband in an uncertain future, than live fully prepared without him. Plus, I have decided that being flexible and adaptable is a great skill to hone and that I will have plenty of practice with our plan!

And, he reminded me of all the work we can still get done with the money we will have from these overseas tours, before we move back here. The idea of a new kitchen, complete with full southern exposure, a cook stove, and an open floor plan, makes me very happy. Especially since we could have it all done when the house is empty and not have to live in the midst of the construction chaos. I have already started drawing it up and talking to my architect brothers. I'll have it all planned down to the doorknobs and drawer pulls in no time! So, that makes me feel better about having to put plans on hold. We can always move back here in a hurry if the situation warrants it. Flexibility is key.

Besides, we have already decided that we cannot live without fresh eggs, so there are chickens in our future down under. And C has said I have spoiled him with the fresh produce and that he wants us to have a garden there as well. So, I guess I will continue to practice and hone my farming skills on the other side of the world and C will get to learn along side me. That makes me very happy, too. I am terribly excited about being together and being on the same wavelength as far as all this stuff goes. My husband's thinking is more in line with mine now after these past two years, than he was before I moved us girls up here, so there is another benefit to this whole thing. I'm not sure C would be so gung ho to retire and be a farmer if I had not done this. I was able to give him a taste of what it is all about and got him hooked, even if the whole living arrangement was hard on us.

So, silver linings abound and all is well. Sorry to keep you hanging if you were inclined to worry about me!

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Hooray!

heymom said...

So very glad to see it's all coming together! You are amazing and I am not surprised that you are working it out wonderfully!

Eli said...

Yee Haw!

Diana said...

In the midst of my nausea induced haze, I missed your previous posts.

What an intense time for you all, and so wise of you to recognize the need to grieve first. I believe honoring emotions are so important....and you're right, you can still deal with the tasks at hand.

One of my favorite quotes is this one

"You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
- Joseph Campbell

And it always seems to come back to me when I'm clinging hard to the plans....

Blessings to you on this amazing journey you're all on!

Flo said...

Glad for you!

Annette said...

Happy to hear that you're now excited for the move!

Diana, I love that Campbell quote!