Shifting

I've noticed a shift occurring in me. It feels very much like things are synthesizing, reducing, and becoming clearer, after a long period of muddiness and chaos. Throughout my life, well my adult life anyway, I have had a series of themes, periods of focus on different things. One led into the other pretty much, but I always wondered if I was being led somewhere or if I was just adrift on the current of my life. I am not sure about being led, but I do see a pattern emerging.

The periods went like this: Physical appearance, home decor and design, birth, breastfeeding, unschooling, spirituality, politics, economy, homesteading. During a specific period, I was passionate about that topic, read everything I could about it, sought out like minded people, immersed myself in it. And then, I was full and moved on to the next. I have not lost my interest in any of the topics, and would happily chat with someone about any of them at any time, and I still have all the knowledge and skills gained. It is just that as each one passes, so does my desire to "do" anything with it on a larger scale. I no longer want to be a La Leche league leader, an unschooling speaker/author, a political activist, a homesteader. All those titles would mean that my whole life would be wrapped up in that one passion. And seeing how my passions flow like a swiftly running river, how can I ever choose to grab onto the bank and anchor myself in one place? To do that, I fear I would drown.

Like that quote yesterday says, I should be myself and try to do that perfectly. I am not a one thing for my whole life kind of person. I am passionate, but serially, not singularly. I kept waiting for all my passions to lead me to that One Big Thing. Rather than like a path taking me to a single place, my journey has been like travelling a spiral, passing each place over and over, taking something more each go-around, while pursuing something new at the same time. My past informs and infuses my present, but does not direct my future.

Maybe the shifting I feel is the beginning of a new passion brewing in me. But it also feels like whatever that passion is, it is something familiar. Not the same as before, but maybe a synthesis of what came before. Maybe I am getting closer to a One Big Thing, but a whole that incorporates the parts. Or maybe I have learned to accept my nature, as ephemeral as it is. That would be nice.